maandag 26 juni 2017

Day by day

A little less than 2 years ago I lost one of my grandmothers. She was a bright light in my life. She was kind, stubborn, funny and so sweet. Losing her was harder than I could have imagined. Losing her was something I never even thought of. Losing her was, and is, hard.

Less than a year ago, my parents decided to get divorced. We were the type of family that had our own jokes, our own way of doing things and even with 50 people there, we'd still be sitting next to each other. Less than a year ago, I lost the family I called my family.

I am just now getting used to things being this different. I am processing it all. I've learnt a lot in the last 2 years. New feelings, new situations, completely new chapters in my life.

It's hard to lose someone you love after 23 years. It's hard to lose something you just had after 24 years.

When you still live at home but you're older and you have to continue living in the same house for another 7 months, it gets harder to control your feelings. It gets harder to just not say anything. It gets a lot harder to live your life.

My trip to Toronto was a real eye-opener. I can do stuff on my own, by myself, for myself. I deserve that. I deserve to relax, after I've had a hard time.

I don't think people really noticed how much of a hard time I was having with all of this. I don't like to show my sadness, I was surrounded by it for months & I was relieved every time I got to "escape", even if "escape" meant meeting my friends for some ice cream. I didn't want to talk about it because it was so present in my life. I lived in that sadness, I lived in a house filled with hurt, anger and pain.

Everything is coming together now. I don't need to come up with excuses for the things I do. The last 2 years have been a rollercoaster of emotions in which I sometimes really wanted to talk to someone or for someone to ask me "so how are you really feeling?" but there were also times where I'd rather be watching TV, not talking to anyone, just minding my own business.

I just want to thank everyone who stayed with me during the 2 most difficult years of my life so far. I am a person that loved and hates deeply. I am a person that feels a lot but hardly shows it. I think a lot, I am opinionated, I'm trying to improve myself. But there are days when I'm really motivated & days where I'm not. And that's not weird, I think we all have that. I'm just taking things day by day.

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