maandag 6 april 2015

YOU

The last blog I posted was about a month and a half ago. I wasn't feeling well, I guess you got that. I was pretty clear on that. I noticed that after the blog, more people understood where I was coming from and what I was feeling. It's kinda weird to experience that sort of thing. A lot of people can relate as well, that's part of why I wrote the blog. It made me kind of angry that I had to spell out what was going on before some people could finally understand it. Frustating, I guess that's what it felt like. I hope some of you really got that you should choose your words carefully. I'm someone that says what she thinks too, unless I know someone is feeling a certain way. A lot of times I know what I say because I try to relate. I don't want to kick while they're down. That's what some of you did to me. I also just really want to thank the people who helped me, whether they were sitting right next to me, 3 minutes away or across the ocean.

So I found a job, at least for a couple of months. And I'm really excited. I'm leaving tomorrow. Leaving? Yep. I'm leaving my hometown for a few months. I don't know when I'll be back, maybe next week. Maybe in 2 weeks, maybe 3. I don't know and I kind of like that. People here make it hard to leave though. Going away for a few months made me notice that I have some really special people in this place that I'm gonna miss talking to. Today I went to say goodbye to one of my best friends and her mother and grandparents. They feel like my second family, I've known them for about 20 years now. And I don't think we've been apart for longer than 3 weeks ever. We see each other at least once a week. They have always been really sweet to me and I've always been welcome. I want them to know I'm gonna miss them, even if it's just for a week! You hold a special place in my heart. And you deserve to know that because you are beautiful people. Thank you for your endless support and kind words. You make me feel like I'm worth it and I want you to know that you are too. I don't think I need to say I'm gonna miss my real family, you all know I will. Since I live in quite the small town and I don't make a lot of friends, my family has been there for me forever, ever since I was a little girl to this very day. They ask me to take care of stuff, they kept me busy and I liked that. I'm also very glad I got to help my grandparents for a year and a half because not that many people get to be that close to their grandparents. Some of you haven't even known them. I'm glad I do, because they are the most wonderful people on the entire planet EVER.

So I guess that is all I have to say. I can't bring my laptop because I don't have a charger (yet). But I will try to keep you all updated on how it's going. You know, I'm glad I'm going away for a while. You all know that I felt stuck, like I wasn't going anywhere. Finally I get to write a blog like this. Like I said, I don't know for how long I'm leaving home tomorrow and I might be back for a few days next week but I just feel SO ready to go. As you may have noticed in my previous blogs, I start a lot of sentences with "I" but right now I wanna start a new sentence with another word. YOU have supported me and sometimes cheered me up. YOU helped me and talked me through it. YOU deserve someone like yourself that helps you through bad days. YOU deserve someone like yourself that makes the good times even better. YOU deserve to feel as good about yourself as you made me feel about myself. Of course I wasn't talking to all of you, maybe 20%?! But I guess that's still a lot, if you like 20% of the people you know.

woensdag 11 februari 2015

Announcement - Mededeling

The last couple of days I've been feeling worse than I felt before. Everyone is commenting on me not having a job. Everyone is asking about my thoughts on the future. The entire world is on my shoulders and I don't have an answer to any of the questions all of you are asking me. I can't give you anything. Why? Because I have nothing.

I can't take it when everyone is watching every single thing I do, every move I make, every breath I take (STOP IT, THE POLICE, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!!).
I know that I should be moving out of my parents's house in my 20's, BUT WHAT IF THAT DOESN'T WORK OUT?? "Save up your money" what MONEY?? Am I not allowed to do ANYTHING? Am I not allowed to buy a shirt? Am I not allowed to go out and have fun? Am I not allowed TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS HOLE THAT I HAVE BEEN LIVING IN FOR A YEAR AND A HALF NOW? Am I not allowed to do ANYTHING for myself? You all have been like "It must be so easy for you, just sitting home and doing nothing" it's not easy. It's not fun. I'm going INSANE. I have never been someone who likes to do nothing. I'm saying that it's enough with the comments. Enough with you telling me how to live my life. I have no other choice right now.

Right now I don't see a future. I can't see anything. It feels like I don't have a future and I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. I feel so low. I want to crawl out of this hole but I every time I try I get kicked down again. It's enough with all of that. Enough with the judging. Enough with the comments. I don't want to hear another "what do you want to do?". I have said so many times I don't care, I just want to work. For myself, for my parents, so that we can be in a better place, mentally.

And trust me when I say I will do anything. I will. I will do any job, as long as it pays. My head is hurting right now, there's only chaos in there. There's nothing I know for sure. There's nothing. There's no now, there's no future. Nothing. Not right now. I'm don't think I'm showing my weakness here because honestly I have always been strong and I will be now. So if you think you can kick me when I'm down, think again.

_________________________________________________________________

Dus.. De laatste paar dagen voel ik me niet zo goed. Slechter dan eerst. Iedereen heeft maar commentaar op dat ik geen baan heb, iedereen vraagt maar om wat er in de toekomst van mij moet worden. Hoe ik de toekomst zie. Iedereen hijgt in mijn nek en ik kan jullie vragen niet beantwoorden. Ik kan jullie niets geven. Waarom niet? Omdat ik niets heb.

Ik kan er niet tegen als mensen me in de gaten houden, steeds op mijn vingers en over mijn schouders kijken. Ik weet dat mensen uit huis horen te gaan als ze in de twintig zijn, maar wat als dat niet zo gaat? "Spaar je geld" welk geld? Mag ik niets meer doen dan? Mag ik geen shirt kopen? Mag ik niet uitgaan en lol hebben? Mag ik niet uit dit stomme gat waar ik al anderhalf jaar in zit? Mag ik niets doen voor mezelf? Jullie zeggen steeds "het is vast lekker makkelijk voor je, lekker thuis zitten en niets doen" dat is het niet. Het is niet leuk. Ik word gek. Ik ben nooit iemand geweest die zomaar niets deed en dat leuk vond. Ik vind dat het genoeg is met het commentaar. Ik heb er genoeg van dat jullie me steeds vertellen hoe ik moet leven. Ik heb nu geen keuze om het anders te doen.

Op dit moment zie ik even geen toekomst, ik zie even helemaal niets. Het voelt alsof ik geen toekomst heb en ik weet niet hoe ik van dit gevoel af moet komen. Ik wil uit dit gat kruipen maar elke keer als ik dat probeer word ik er terug in geschopt. Het is genoeg. Genoeg met het oordelen, genoeg met het commentaar. Ik wil geen "Wat wil je doen?" meer horen. Ik heb zo vaak gezegd dat het me niet uit maakt, ik wil gewoon werken. Voor mezelf, voor mijn ouders. Zodat we mentaal meer op orde zijn.

Geloof me als ik zeg dat ik alles wil doen. Ik wil al het werk doen, zolang het maar betaald. Mijn hoofd doet pijn, het is een en al chaos daar binnen. Er is niets dat ik zeker weet. Niets. Er is geen nu, er is geen toekomst. Niets. Niet nu. Ik denk niet dat ik hier mijn zwakte laat zien want ik ben altijd sterk geweest en dat zal ik nu ook zijn.

woensdag 28 januari 2015

Het is twee uur snachts, we liggen niet op bed

Het is twee uur 's nachts en ik ben aan het zoeken naar vacatures. Ja.. Alweer. En nog steeds. Zin om moeite te doen heb ik niet maar het moet wel. De laatste paar weken was ik eigenlijk met een paar mogelijkheden bezig maar die zijn deze week allemaal op niets uitgedraaid. En zoals sommige van jullie weten is mijn carrière als postpakketten sorteerster ook voorbij. Het wordt er niet veel beter op hè. Ik zie ook zo veel achterlijke vacatures. Eisenlijsten van 16 punten lang. Ik snap het, je wilt iemand voor je bedrijf. Maar dit is net als een moeder van een jongen die dan alle vriendinnetjes van haar zoon afkeurt. Terwijl die meisjes misschien wel hartstikke leuk zijn en een goede invloed zouden hebben op je zoon. Ja ja, ik zeg net over mezelf dat ik leuk ben. En dat ik een goede invloed binnen een bedrijf zou kunnen hebben, als ik daarvoor  de kans krijg.

"Je hebt verstand van machines" Natuurlijk heb ik verstand van machines. Ik weet hoe een blender werkt. Bam. Solliciteren.
"Uitstekende beheersing van Nederlandse taal" Zetten ze dan bij een vacature voor bijvoorbeeld aardbeien plukken. En dan kom je daar met je perfecte Nederlands en zit je tussen 20 polen die geen woord Nederlands spreken. Kun je lekker met jezelf in duet, de hele dag Acda en de Munnik zingen. Ik vind Acda en de Munnik leuk en ken zelfs ook liedjes van Van Dik Hout dus misschien kan ik een medley doen? Ik solliciteer.
"Goede uitstraling" Die heb ik. Tenzij je me in een pakje stopt waarvan zelfs de broek van het bedrijf is en waarbij ik een petje op moet. Maar goed, solliciteren.
"MBO denk en werkniveau" En weet ik dat ik niet aangenomen word omdat ik geen MBO opleiding afgemaakt heb terwijl er staat dat ik toegelaten ben tot niveau 4 opleidingen. Er staat denk- en werkniveau. Dat heb ik, clearly. Goed. I call bullshit, maar ik solliciteer.

De ideale motivatiebrief.

Mijn naam is Michelle (insert achternaam), ik ben 23 jaar en woonachtig in (insert woonplaats). Ik ben op zoek naar een baan waarin ik uitgebuit, onderbetaald en afgepeigerd word. Want daar hou ik van. En jullie ook. Ik heb 5 jaar ervaring in de horeca, 3 jaar administratief, 7 jaar in de zorg, 4 jaar als adviseur en 4 jaar in de detailhandel. Ik ben flexibel, sociaal, punctueel, netjes, een echte teamplayer MAAR ook héél zelfstandig als dat moet en ik ben ondernemend. Verder ben ik niets. Ik heb geen bloed in mijn lichaam. Geen hart. Geen ziel. Geen mening. Ik ben eigenlijk een robot. Dat is nog eens vooruitstrevend voor de toekomst.

Ik ben een aanwinst voor jullie bedrijf omdat ik een robot ben. Ik heb geen gevoelens. Ze zijn al jaren bezig met het ontwikkelen van een robot en here I am. Be the first to hire one. Verder heb ik echt affiniteit met de dingen die jullie binnen het bedrijf doen. Tevens heb ik research gedaan naar het verleden en kan ik me niet meer aansluiten bij de keuzes die jullie als bedrijf hebben gemaakt. Ik heb vijf opleidingen gedaan. 2 op MBO en 3 op HBO. Mijn eerste begon ik toen ik 12 was. Toen ik 16 was had ik al 4 diploma's binnen. De andere had ik toen ik 17 was.

Ik hoop jullie voldoende geïnformeerd te hebben. Ik hoop binnen de komende 6 maanden van jullie te horen, zo niet dan probeer ik het daarna nog 12 keer.

Met ontzettend vriendelijke, geweldige, gezellige, gelukkige, spontane, sociale, punctuele, flexibele, nette, teamplayer máár zelfstandige, ondernemende groet,

Michelle.

woensdag 14 januari 2015

13.

It's time. You know what for. If you know me, you do. You'll be like "oh fuck here she goes again, when is this gonna stop?". And I don't know the answer to that question. Because this will be number 13, in a little over 5 years. Guess you could say I'm addicted. But this time it has an even deeper meaning than all the ones I've gotten before. Except for the puzzle piece, which represents all the loved ones that left the earth. This time I'm getting a tattoo for my 2 cats, who passed away in August & September. They were 15. I've had them for over half of my life and I miss them so much. Sometimes when I think of them I just start crying. I can't even look at pictures of them without crying, even though some of those pictues are the cutest ever and so loving as well. 

I just want to have them with me no matter what. I will have them with me forever. Unless my arm gets chopped off and gets dropped into the ocean. They were my brothers. Yeah, that sounds weird as hell but it's true. I just miss the purring, the petting, the cuddling, the biting in my nose or elbow when I wouldn't give them attention, the following, the snoring and I even miss the hair on my clothes. I just miss having them around. I know they were quite old and it was better for them but it still hurts so much. And though they might only be cats to some of you, they were a lot more than that to me. I'm gonna remember my babies in the best way possible. And I'm gonna have them with me forever. Literally. I miss them. I love them. I miss them so much.


Thomas 


Wammes

donderdag 8 januari 2015

WAKE UP.

So many things have been said over the past few days. 
I don't think I have anything to add.
I just want to say that this is 2015.

This is now.


This is real.

Wake up. Stop running.
Take a look around.
The world is constantly changing.
Stop closing your eyes.
Stop hiding your face.
If you want your voice to be heard,
create a chance for it to be heard.
Today.
Now.

vrijdag 21 november 2014

Future

Remember my latest blog? About not having a job? Well, I've got a job. It's for saturdays only, and when they need me I need to be available throughout the entire week. Last week, I worked three days. And this week, I'm back to only saturday. The mornings are early, I start at 7 AM so I gotta start cycling at 6:30 AM. And tomorrow we'll be starting at 6:45 AM  because it's almost Sinterklaas & Christmas is coming up. I'm pleased with the job. I got nice colleagues and it pays well enough. And even though there is hardly any change (yet) in my finances (I haven't started saving up yet.), I feel more complete. I feel like my life is coming together a little more. And that's really risky, because I could literally get a call tomorrow to hear that I have lost my job because they don't need me anymore. I don't have a contract, I don't have anything that makes the job mine.

I am thinking about the future more. I don't want to just yet, but it just happens. I want a place for myself, I want to pay off my dept which I got from quitting studies and I really want to have financial security and stability. I just want to see a future of myself. I know that in this job, there's no future for me, within this company. Mainly because I work for an employment agency. They can replace me with anyone in their system, even if I'm working hard. Of course that scares me but I've been taking this risk to get kicked out and lose sight of my future again and I will continue to do that for the next couple of weeks if they still need me. And I'm gonna honestly say that I am motivated, happy and willing to more forward more than ever right now.

I want to thank everyone for their support and kind words. And some even reached out and helped me, which I very much appreciate. I will not stop searching for an other job, which gives me more stability.

--this was written & posted on friday--

maandag 13 oktober 2014

I

Looking back at older blogs I wrote, I think I thought about whether I was happy too much. I  haven't thought about that in a while, even though there were (and are) moments I'm pretty sure I felt happy but wasn't aware of it.

Since I'm not going to school anymore and I still haven't found a job, my world has become quite small. I've come to enjoy the smaller things because I don't really have big things to enjoy, other than gigs (which I really very much enjoy). I don't get to see some of my favorite people as much as I'd like to but at the same time I often don't feel the need to be around people a lot of times. I'm surrounded by the same people every day and it's become more often that I have the urge to leave, even if it's just for a day. I like doing things alone and not once have I felt lonely in the last few months. That's great, but I'd like to feel lonely again because I've taken it for granted now.

Look at the sentences I wrote, they are full of I. Even though I just said I'm surrounded by people every day and I'm not alone all the time. I'm trying to stay focused on myself because I've considered other people's feelings over my own for so long. It has made me more selfish and I'm trying to cope with people judging that. I don't think they know how much I struggle with not being able to find a job. Getting no reply at all is very frustrating, because it makes you feel unworthy of anything. It makes you feel like they did not even bother to look at your resume. Getting a reply but getting rejected also makes it a little more demotivating to look any further. Mostly because they don't give you a reason why they rejected you. I'm trying not to take it personal but it's hard because this is my future. This is my now. I've been wanting to make something out of my goddamn life for so long now but it's going nowhere at all. I do know that something HAS to come along but right now it just feels so weird. I've never known the answer to the question that has been asked me almost yearly "Where do you see yourself in five years?". I just never knew the answer. I don't expect anything, I never did, but I sure as hell did not plan for this all to happen. When I think about my future, I don't really see one yet. Getting a job is my main focus and it has been for the past year and so far it just hasn't worked out yet. Of course I've had a few days where I was like "Not today, I don't feel like getting rejected today.".

I'm not an optimist, I've never been one. I'd like to believe I'm not a pessimist either, but I'm becoming one. I want to be able to expect things, and I want those things to happen. I want to see a future, I want to be able to build my own. I feel alright because my grandparents keep me going, they keep me busy by letting me take care of them/the house. And it feels good to be needed in that way. I couldn't thank them enough if I tried because they are the ones that keep me going. Without them I'd already given up. So for those who think I enjoy not having a job and I enjoy not seeing a future for myself: fuck you so hard right up the goddamn ass, asshat.