Omg... is it... is it really a blog in English? Is this the real life? I’m not gonna go into the fantasy part because it is overplayed and makes me think of way too many things. Like the Fanta boat that says is this just Fanta sea? That everyone still posts in 2018 even though the meme was first seen in 2009. This is definitely not how I wanted to start this blog. I also don’t know how I did want to start it.
Anyway, now that we broke the ice and we know each other a little better (not really but let’s go with it), it’s time to go to the second base; Emotional baggage. You’re stuck here now, there’s no way back.
Since I’ve been here, it’s kind of been weird when it comes to emotions. At first I felt happy to be here, then something happened that made me doubt myself and my abilities even though I shouldn’t even have in the first place because it was completely out of my hands, then the missing part came because I missed Christmas at home, then I was happy to go home for a week, happy to come back, in between there was a lot of anger because Toronto wanted me to freeze to death.
I appreciate the effort but you failed, Mother Nature, Toronto location. Now you’re trying to burn me to death, I plan on installing a fan in my rib cage.
Anyway, the last few months have been great but also confusing. In May, one of my best friends stopped by and it made me see what it’d be like if my friends were here. It would be so much better. I’m not one to go out of the house often, I’m ok inside although I also love being outside. There’s a lot of things to do here, when you’re with friends. I don’t mind going to a concert or the cinema by myself because that’s places where you don’t talk anyway but I always want to share my experiences with someone because I always have so many thoughts I would like to share.
My mom and her husband were here for two weeks, a week ago they left. They made me realize what it’d be like if my family was here. Going out for lunch, going shopping, going out for dinner but mainly just talking after a long day. Like I said, I have so many thoughts and in order to process them, I need to talk about them.
I think that if they were here, I would stay here. The city is so big, there’s always something to do, even late at night. I don’t really make new friends easily because I don’t really go to places where you do that. My friends are all from high school or from concerts, or even social media and we met irl. I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs so I see no fun in just going to the pub and sitting there. I don’t like forcing myself into things just to be “social”. I feel like I also don’t really need that. “Making friends” is just such a weird thing, like you’re doing it on purpose. The friends I have are not people I specifically looked for. They are people I clicked with and with whom it flowed naturally.
I made one very good friend here and that’s actually a coworker. I sure am going to miss her and her husband. You know, sometimes when people ask you over, it feels forced. With them, it never did. It never felt like we had dinner because they felt like they had to invite me. It never felt like I could tell her everything and she’d listen and reply because she felt like she had to. It feels genuine and that’s what I truly appreciate. I’d rather not be invited than feel uncomfortable because it doesn’t feel genuine.
Like I said, I’ve had a lot of emotions and fortunately there’s things such as whataapp, messenger and video calls that make it possible to call home or friends. I honestly can’t wait to go home, except for the part where I’m going to miss the people I’ve gotten to know here. It’s been a good experience and I still have a couple of months to make some more memories. I’m very fortunate to have been here and to have had this experience. There’s always ups and downs, it gets worse before it gets better and then it gets worse and gets better again.
