I

Looking back at older blogs I wrote, I think I thought about whether I was happy too much. I  haven't thought about that in a while, even though there were (and are) moments I'm pretty sure I felt happy but wasn't aware of it.

Since I'm not going to school anymore and I still haven't found a job, my world has become quite small. I've come to enjoy the smaller things because I don't really have big things to enjoy, other than gigs (which I really very much enjoy). I don't get to see some of my favorite people as much as I'd like to but at the same time I often don't feel the need to be around people a lot of times. I'm surrounded by the same people every day and it's become more often that I have the urge to leave, even if it's just for a day. I like doing things alone and not once have I felt lonely in the last few months. That's great, but I'd like to feel lonely again because I've taken it for granted now.

Look at the sentences I wrote, they are full of I. Even though I just said I'm surrounded by people every day and I'm not alone all the time. I'm trying to stay focused on myself because I've considered other people's feelings over my own for so long. It has made me more selfish and I'm trying to cope with people judging that. I don't think they know how much I struggle with not being able to find a job. Getting no reply at all is very frustrating, because it makes you feel unworthy of anything. It makes you feel like they did not even bother to look at your resume. Getting a reply but getting rejected also makes it a little more demotivating to look any further. Mostly because they don't give you a reason why they rejected you. I'm trying not to take it personal but it's hard because this is my future. This is my now. I've been wanting to make something out of my goddamn life for so long now but it's going nowhere at all. I do know that something HAS to come along but right now it just feels so weird. I've never known the answer to the question that has been asked me almost yearly "Where do you see yourself in five years?". I just never knew the answer. I don't expect anything, I never did, but I sure as hell did not plan for this all to happen. When I think about my future, I don't really see one yet. Getting a job is my main focus and it has been for the past year and so far it just hasn't worked out yet. Of course I've had a few days where I was like "Not today, I don't feel like getting rejected today.".

I'm not an optimist, I've never been one. I'd like to believe I'm not a pessimist either, but I'm becoming one. I want to be able to expect things, and I want those things to happen. I want to see a future, I want to be able to build my own. I feel alright because my grandparents keep me going, they keep me busy by letting me take care of them/the house. And it feels good to be needed in that way. I couldn't thank them enough if I tried because they are the ones that keep me going. Without them I'd already given up. So for those who think I enjoy not having a job and I enjoy not seeing a future for myself: fuck you so hard right up the goddamn ass, asshat.